you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
