i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When did angry sex become our thing?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
