if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
