yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize