I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Life is so much better after having sex.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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