at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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