I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
