oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
