After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just found puke in my bra..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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