I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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