What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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