My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
