My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize