Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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