im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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