i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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