tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
