cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize