i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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