is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
