I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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