i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
