I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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