Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
