I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
