I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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