I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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