i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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