I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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