After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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