god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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