This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize