Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
