census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
