i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
