I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
