Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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