Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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