my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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