we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
