I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
