I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
