I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
