so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
