i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
