the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
