we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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