don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
