some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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