Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
