mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
