Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
