is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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