It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
