My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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