I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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