she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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