Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
high people should be assigned attendants
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize