I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
