I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize