I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
