I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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