i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm passing your future prison.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I touched a dick in church today
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
