I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
