Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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