I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
