I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
