Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
